the lady and the tramp

i was at a friend's house. it was christmas, in side.i touched him and was filled with joy. his children came to greet me. his wife, too. other things.

i was at another house, i didn't recognize it but i recognized the things in it. i was in the kitchen, a large room with a large worktable in the center, a long rectangular room with doors on each end, or rather entry. no actual doors. portals. you know. between these was a very large fireplace set into the adjoining wall with the dining room. i was with a friend, maybe janet, and chatting happily, setting a long rectangular table for a dinner party. the guests were to arrive soon. we were discussing tablecloths, and chose a long printed table cloth, asking her if she remembered walt disney, i think it was lady and the tramp. the print was all in greys and whites, with accentuating reds and blues, and the pattern was images from lady and the tramp. cartoon dogs of every stripe, jim darling and his wife, their baby. i set a blue candle surrounded with holly leaves that bore a blue fruit and glossy silvery blue leaf. i thought it was interesting that christmas colours were blue as well the usual green and red. huh. the candle was blue.

then the guests were there, and a fire was crackling in the big hearth, and i was hanging artifacts from the mantle like ornaments. the mantle was covered as well, with art and artifacts from my numerous years of collecting. everyone was well.

then i was at another house, it seemed to be mine, but for my mother. it was different than i have ever seen. it was new to her. i seemed to have quarters upstairs. there was a long rectangular living room, very sleek, with wood floors that seemed like cedar or cherry. the walls too, were richly panelled, with the same wood. it seemed very crisp , and almost scandinavian in design. modern. the end of the room was raised, two steps made a stair across the breadth, and on this portion was the door. at the other end of the room, the rest of the house extended off to the left. along one of the walls were windows, and up on the raised entryway were a couple more windows.
my mother was very proud of her curtains. i was helping her open them. they were beautiful, deep crimson silk with neatly cropped silk tasseled fringe, threaded with a golden ochre. i noticed they were becoming so threadbare that opening them risked tearing them. i thught i would look into having them replaced for her, and began to count the drapes. i had counted eleven windows in all, twenty two draperies. she was excited ab out this prospect. she sat down on a couch the room was sparsely furnished, and guests were arriving. a number of women were now milling about, with little plates and tea. it was evening. i was looking outside the windows, contemplating a hedge of arborvitae i had planted there for privacy. i noticed i was naked. i walked around the other side wall to the staircase, and noticed a telephone table, on which my mother kept a bible and some of my own writing on paper, next to the phone. i was touched, that she would save my writing like that. i decided i had better go upstairs and put some clothes on so my mother's guests did not become uncomfortable. however, no one seemed to mind, including myself, that i had no clothing on.

it occurs to me now, that i had had another dream a while back, where i had told a friend that i couldn't get out of the car, because i had no pants on. in fact, i was wearing pink underwear and a black cami that i had actually worn to bed! in that dream, i knew that. last night, it was hot, and i just slept naked. funny.


i was outside, on a sidewalk, it seemed like rogers and third street, but the buildings were different, and there was an overpass where college crosses third. it reminded me a little bit of rutgers campus. the sky was darkening and full of stacks of clouds. to my right, the western sky was lightest, as though it were late afternoon. there was a rumbling , like thunder, and the clouds were flashing with some lightning. off to the southwest, a long streak of lightning was igniting in the darkest part of the sky. deep clouds. it caught my attention, besides the sound of the rising of thunder, because it behaved unlike any lightning i have ever seen.

at this point, i was no longer aware that i was dreaming. my heartbeat began to speed up a little.
the lightning was moving down to the earth like a sparkler, but it was moving along its own streak like a zipper. i could hear it making a loud crackling as it rent the very fabric of the sky, and finally it approached the ground. i became apprehensive, sort of, and the first thing i did was check to see if i was dreaming. i was not dreaming. then i began to feel a kind of intense anticipation, as i watched this clearly supernatural event unfolding in the sky! i began to pray. where the lightning came down to the horizon, maybe a mile off, there were tall pines which exploded into fire and i could hear far-off sounds of screaming as what appeared to be a whole city block went up in flames. this created a small glow against the surround of dense clouds, but it illuminated them with its glow. i prayed for those people, and while i was praying, i saw a strange shape rising up over the horizon to my left and to my right. i really kept checking to see if i was dreaming. i kept asking myself, am i dreaming? and i couldn't find any evidence of being in a dream. except that the sky was unzipping with a sparkling fire, and something huge was coming up over the horizon. you can imagine the physical sensation of believing that this was actually happening, and feeling entirely there.

i cannot describe the state i was now in, as i truly was all there, and quite alive. to me, at this time, everything was as real as it seems right now, at this time, while i am typing this dream. i was not surprised, i was all the more amazed. to the right and left of me on the horizon rose what seemed to be two snow capped dome shaped mountains, rising and rising above city. soon i could see that they were the foreheads of two women, both with grey-white hair. their great heads rose still above the horizon, and they were crying, their lovely eyes wet and tears streaming down their cheeks. they were so worried, and they were calling, calling. one had a kleenex, and was wiping her eyes and her nose, and she was callilng and calling to her grandson, come home, come home right now! the sky was darkening with a big storm, and soon, a man, joined her, calling for his grandson. the other grandma was also calling for her grandson. i was so amazed, and very concerned for them, and for their grandsons, but all of this was also happening rather quickly. then as the sky grew darker, the western sky was growing lighter, and i was also growing lighter, it seemed ,with a weird kind of joy and anticipation! i was looking at another dome shape that was now rising between these giant grandmas' heads, and now, everything was noisy, a sound of rushing winds the sound itself everywhere all at once, but there was no wind. the only thing i can compare this to is the sound that one hears when one is fainting.

it is true, my heart was pounding, and i was stillasking myself if this was real! since it seemed absolutely real, i was overjoyed. i had been waiting all my life, and i was so excited and happy, and i could only marvel. i had only thoughts for what was happening. i could see the dome now was a head and it rose gigantic over the earth, it was a statue of jesus, with arms outstretched, its halo was the first thing i could see, then its face, which looked so much like the face on the statue of liberty i had to wait to see if the arms were holding up a torch, but no, they were outstretched as if to hug the whole earth. it was jesus!

the great statue rose and began to tilt toward the earth, and i began to shout"jesus is coming! jesus is coming!" i felt such incredible joy. i could see that i was going to smash the street and the overpass, so i ran to get out of the way, but i knew that i would not make it in time, but i didn't care, and i just asked myself, ready? ready? and then my body disintegrated! i was a yellow energy, like a floating shallow pool! i skimmed along under the overpass and everything began to disintegrate, to fall away like fairy dust, and i thought to keep my mind free of interpretations, and to just think of god.

then everything went black, and i could hear nothing but my own thoughts, the sounds of the rushing winds had reached a crescendo in these previous moments, very much like when you faint, and my heart had pounded. but now, there was just stillness, and silence, except for my own thoughts, and i waited to see what would happen next, thinking i should not panic. i did not feel like panicking, but i did acknowledge a sense of dread, that i might have only the voice of my thoughts, that i might be a lone consciousness adrift in a sea of void. i decided i knew alot of songs, and thought i would sing, then, if that were the case. somehow this comforted me. still i bent my mind on god, and began to pray, and was now in a hallway, still without bodily form, floating down this hallway. to my left were studios. to my right were doorways into other studios. i saw into one, and there was a guy at a small mixing board with headphones on, he looked like jake. i began to hear sounds as though i were in a recording booth, and i heard an electric guitar string, like someone bumped it, and an old black guy talking about a blues song.

i knew then that i was going to wake up in a body, and wondered honestly, what that would be like. if it would be this one. i thought as i was waking up, which included a moment of static sound, like white noise and nothingness, that it was possible that i might be waking into a different version of the same life. i thought about the nature of dimensions that sit in bundles, and i thought about the concept of time, groundhog's day, and also, the last temptation of christ by nikos kazantzakis..

then i woke up. i had been so elated when i found that jesus was coming and saw his outstretched arms in the sky, and i had been so very sad when i saw the grandmothers crying for their grandsons to come in from the storm. i pondered the nature of the statue, and the clear indication of echelons that the grandmothers seemed to display, the staircase, the spiral staircase i had had in a different dream recently, other stair cases i had seen in dreams. i thought about jacob's ladder, masonry, and lastly, i thought about m.c. escher, whose name is very similar to echelon. and i thought of this verse, because of the great stone statue of jesus that was falling upon the earth..

"whosoever shall fall upon that stone shall be broken, but on whomsoever it shall fall, it will grind them to powder. " luke 20:18

Fever

In 1998, I was stricken with a virulent form of encephalitis, a brain fever from which it took many weeks to recover. During that time, I could neither move nor eat without violent nausea, as my brain was swelling inside my skull, impacting my equilibrium and major nerve bundles. I could only lie flat in a darkened room, as my optic nerves were overly sensitive to light and even motion. My parents took me in, and tended me with spoonfuls of water and broth. There was little that could be done but wait and pray.

I drifted in and out of sleep for days on end, occasionally opening my eyes to find them standing there, together, gazing down at me in the room I had slept in during high school. I remember thinking one day that I might be dying. I could see it in their faces. I fell back to sleep, and dreamed.

I was in an ancient tower, made of stone, in a room at the top. Parts of the walls were crumbling, and seemed decrepit, but the floor was solid and smoothed by many years of foot traffic. There were windows, through which I could see the blue sky, and a beautiful green landscape in the distance, and I desparately wanted out. I was frightened in a nervous sort of way, and seemed aware of an impending doom. Something terrible was approaching, something unspeakable and horrendous, and I feared for all mankind. I felt a great knot of sorrow in my chest, and began to cry, surveying the perimeter for a way out.

The way to the top was a wide smooth ramp, which opened onto the spacious room
I was in, but I feared to go that way down, as what I dreaded was approaching from there. The windows were simple gothic arches cut into the stone, without panes, open to the outside, but too high up to jump from. There was a doorway also set in the stone, but it gave me a sense of foreboding. The sense of Terror approaching drove me to it. I crossed the room in an eyeblink, and flung open the door.

I was assailed with a shock of horror and disgust. From the doorway, a tunnel led downward, the walls of which were made of tongues, millions of tongues lining every inch, dripping a gooey thick saliva which reeked of something foul. The air was full of a buzzing sound, and I saw that it came from countless large black flies. I slammed the door shut, and stood shaking in a kind of traumatized still panic. My heart felt like it was breaking in my chest.

I went back to the center of the room, and prayed, weeping with sadness, for mercy. Divine Mercy. I prayed to God Almighty, pleading with him for the mercy of His Holy Son Jesus. I prayed for Jesus to save us all from this terrible dread. Everything was very still. Dusty. I felt as though I were in crypt. I knew that Jesus would not come if people did not have faith, and I wondered if my faith could be enough. I asked myself, in the still of that moment, where the dust had settled long ago, if I truly had faith.

I looked up and saw a simple golden crown hanging from a nail in the wall, high out of reach. It was dusty, as though it had been waiting there for centuries. I knew that the crown was somehow the key, and that by restoring it, all would be made well. I knew that I was alone there, and it fell to me to do it. I couldn't reach it. I jumped, I scrambled. I tried to shinny up by toes and fingernails. I searched around for a table or a chair, frantic. My heart was pounding, and I felt that time was running out! I begged Jesus to come, come and not to let this terrible thing come to pass.

This is when I began to fear that the emptiness there was real, that there was no more faith. I wanted to believe, even if I was the only one who would. I began to hear a rasping, a halting step coming up the ramp now, closer and closer. I waited, unable to breathe.

To my shock and amazement, there came into view a lion, tall and stately, walking like a man. He was emaciate, and his coat was thin and worn away in spots, bald patches where his skin showed through. His mane hung down, forlorn and matted and his left leg was paralyzed and dried like jerky. My heart burst as it seemed to recognize this lion, so slowly progressing toward the wall. Jesus. His eyes were full of compassion and sorrow, and I cried and cried.

Time was running out, as He scraped toward the wall. I realized what He had come for, He had come to get the crown for me. He couldn't reach it. I thought I would die of sorrow for Him. I loved Him, and believed that He could perform a Miracle, that He could do anything, that the crown would come to His hand.

I felt that we were almost out of time, and He looked at me, as though He knew that was so. And then He reached down and broke off his own leg, the one that was paralyzed and stiff, and standing on the other leg, held it up like a staff or a stick, and tipped the crown onto it, at which point I awoke with tears puddled in my ears as I lay still, on my back, the sheets wet beneath my head.

11.14.07

last night, i dreamed a lucid dream. it was strangely two dimensional, and seemed to impart to me something that was mathematical. i have dreampt math before, specifically geometry. in this dream, i went inward into space, and was being led by a familiar presence, who stayed behind me, in a golden light. a voice appeared in my mind, and said akashic records. i was shown pictures like etchings, and i can’t say what was on the first series, but eventually they became drawings of the cosmos, and the formation of the earth. it was a kind of turning inside out. they were like line drawings in red ink, on a field of white. they moved, like animation. so beautiful. there were clouds, circling above a chunky surface forming underneath them by some sort of precipitation which pooled beneath them and then piled up in a series of peaks, a like an island of mountains. the more it grew, the heavier it seemed, and began to sink further below the cloudy wreath above it. it seemed as though the clouds were communicating with the mountains through a kind of inner lightning. the mountains too, seemed to thunder back, almost desperately reaching up, like the outstretched arms of a child. the flashing increased between the mountains and the clouds, and the mountains drew power from the clouds, which began to sort of, settle downward upon them, until they were wreathed in this ink-drawn mist. the cloud bank above was not diminished by this, continued to be moving and glowing from within.

the mountainous area began to spread out, and take three dimensional form. then things began to speed up rapidly, and as the mountainous island took on three dimensional form, so also came colour and motion, and the former field of white upon which the drawings were shown became inky black within which began to swirl the island in the clouds. this swirling shaped it into a ball which began to resemble the planet earth inside a kind of cloudy tattered cocoon. as this was my impression, it became the point at which i began to have difficulty staying asleep. that is, the point that my conscious mind began to intrude, no longer be able to contain its wonder and surprise in its need to interpret what it beheld: i had realized i was dreaming before that, but it’s like trying not to let the rest of me know, because then, i will wake up. i try not to, but i usually do. if i am sleepy, i can often go back to sleep without coming fully out of the dream, but for some reason, i awoke abruptly, elated, mystified. as i was waking, i felt myself receding rapidly, like i was being drawn up and away by the scruff of my neck, backward, and i saw this cloudy kind earth nest within a greater sort of nebula receding from me so fast, growing ever distant with a strange suddenness, but i spied the galaxy in its swirl, ever tinier, just before i awoke.

nice.